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Sean Michael #16

Thursday, September 2, 2010

I'm really beginning to think that I misjudged "Dave" my (more or less) boyfriend. I'm beginning to realize how self-centered and selfish he is, something I never noticed before.

Here's what happened:

Steve is going to Paris later this month to do promotion for the release of his book in French, and also for a launch party for a movie they're going to start filming based on one of his books. I had been hinting for weeks that I wanted to go with him. I have only been to Europe once before, and to be honest, I found Toronto kind of disappointing. But even so, Paris is someplace I have always wanted to see. Anyway, Steve was hesitating.

Then a couple days ago, I somehow or other mentioned that he had left an e-mail account open on his computer and that I had by mistake read dozens and dozens of emails sent to this one account of his and also ones he had sent out. So he said, Okay that I could go. I was so excited! Then I mentioned some of the other things I'd found on his computer, and all of a sudden he agreed to pay for my ticket.

Honestly, I never thought anything good or interesting would come of this job, but I was wrong. And I am truly overwhelmed by his generosity. Since we will meet the director, I'm almost positive I will somehow or other get a role. I'm just hoping it's a real movie and not one that's in French. Because at this point in my career, I only want good roles.

I was telling "Dave" this incredible and awesome news, and all he wanted to talk about was this crisis he's having about "coming out" to his wife and having a separation and how his wife "suspects something." To be honest, I couldn't even follow it because he was crying and all choked up.

I said: "'Dave!' Haven't you even been listening to what I just told you."

He said: "I did, and I'm happy for you."

But the thing is, he really didn't sound it. And not only that, but he started talking about his own problems again instead of doing what any real boyfriend would have done, which is to take me out to celebrate. I really hate when people can only think about themselves and their own misery. I'm pretty sure that when I get back from Paris, I'm going to have to make a change in the relationship with "Dave." If he does "come out" and leave his wife, I don't think it would be good for my career to be living with an openly gay man right at the moment my film acting starts to take off.

But I really don't want to be selfish myself, so I didn't mention any of this to him. He was very emotional, and besides, the September rent is due on my apartment.

Posted by Stephen @ 11:34 PM EST

Friday, August 27, 2010

Sean Michael #15

Look, I'm really sorry to all the people who wrote saying they found my comments "offensive" in the last post. #1--I never said I wanted older people like Steve to be unhappy. I just said that acting all happy is not ATTRACTIVE past a certain point. Get over it. #2--I'm in the middle of a crisis, so really, I don't have time to get into arguments.

Before I get to the important stuff, here are links to two things that were printed about Steve.

One is an interview:

http://www.lambdaliterary.org/interviews/08/16/low-fidelity-stephen-mccauley-on-the-myth-of-monogamy/comment-page-1/

In it, he says some things about monogamy that I cannot agree with. In fact, I found them offensive. Basically, he says no one is monogamous. I think that's ridiculous. I know for certain that all of my boyfriends have been faithful to me, and as long as one person in a relationship is faithful, I think that's the truest form of monogamy, so his point has no validity.

The other link is to a piece that ran about some charity he claims to be involved with and the fact that he only wears used clothes, as if that's something to publicize:

http://advocate.com/Print_Issue/Spectator/I_Advocate_Stephen_McCauley/

So my crisis is that my boyfriend (at the moment) called to tell me he had something very serious he wanted to talk about with me. Based on the tone of his voice, I assumed he was going to complain about the fact that I've been busy a lot lately and haven't had time to see him. So the more I thought about that, the more upset I got about the amount of time HE isn't available due to his "wife and kids." By the time he got to my apartment, I figured it would be easiest if I just got it off my chest before he had a chance to start with his problems. I told him I was tired of him never being able to meet me and going off on vacations with his "wife and kids" and spending so much time in couples counseling with his wife and having a college fund for his kids when he wouldn't even agree to pay off my student loans.

He got really quiet and then he said that was all going to change since he was going to do what I had been telling him he SHOULD do and come out to his wife.

I really saw my whole life flash before my eyes. He even mentioned moving in with me, which I thought was a mean thing to say, like he was rubbing my face in the fact that he pays the rent for my place. The funny thing is, as soon as he said it, I really started to find him even more unattractive than I usually do. I realized that all of my boyfriends have been totally straight, and so the idea that he was now going to claim he was gay just confused me even more.

I told him I was going to have to think it over because really, I don't think divorce is ethical.

Posted by Stephen @ 10:59 PM EST

Monday, August 16, 2010

Sean Michael #14

So it’s true I haven’t posted anything here in a while, but I’ve been busy. Plus I really got stressed out by the yoga festival and the altitude, and I really needed to detox from the whole experience. I got into trouble because Steve actually looked at the bill from the hotel. To be honest, it’s not the kind of thing I thought he’d do. Not because he’s not cheap, but because he’s so disorganized. In a good way.

Anyway, I guess that without realizing it, I charged a lot of drinks to the room, and he kind of flipped out. There was a bar and restaurant on top of the mountain, and I ended up taking the cable car up there a lot because a) it was much better for tanning, b) there weren’t that many yoga people around, and c) there was an ice-skating rink up there. It’s was SO amazing to be able to ice skate outside in summer. It really put me in touch with the outdoors. They said something about my outfit, but I just told them it was my BATHING SUIT and what could they say?

The thing is, the cable car was terrifying. It looked like you were going to crash into the mountain at one point, and every time I got off, I really had to go to the bar first thing to drink until I stopped feeling so nervous and also hung over.

I went to San Francisco with Steve afterwards for a few days. He and his “partner” did a reading at a bookstore there. It was really an incredibly GREAT bookstore, and even though I don’t usually spend a lot of money in bookstores, I decided to stock up. They sell the poppers right at the cash register, which is really convenient.

Afterwards, we went out with a Very Famous San Francisco Novelist and his “husband.” The husband is apparently interested in older men. Since a few people have written in to accuse me of being “ageist,” I would just like to make it really clear that I am not. I have ALWAYS had boyfriends who are much older than me, whether I find them attractive or not. I really don’t discriminate in that way, as long as they are attracted to me. I think of myself as even being generous to older men, so however generous they are to me is only fair.

Aside from that, there was a lot of time sitting around the house that Steve and his “partner” and their friend rented. Steve played the ukulele a lot. The weird thing is, he seems very happy when he’s doing this, no matter what it sounds like. To be honest, I really think happiness is a good thing, but I don’t find it all that attractive on older people. I’m not saying I want them to be UNhappy, but happiness is like certain kinds of clothes that you really shouldn’t wear past a certain point. One of the things I actually DO like about “Dave,” my boyfriend (at the moment), is that he always seems somewhat depressed and a little angry when we’re together. I think this is a very masculine quality, and way more attractive than being happy.

In any case, I decided to try and get some work reading books on tape. I think I have a great voice for it, and I really do accents incredibly well. I have to audition later this week. They gave me something to rehearse by reading ahead of time, but it’s LONG and besides, I figure it would be best to be surprised by it so I can pretend to be interested more realistically.

Posted by Stephen @ 01:27 PM EST

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Sean Michael #13

I will confess that I was initially a little skeptical about my job, but it turns out, I'm learning a lot from Steve. For example, I always assumed that even a marginally successful writer would be willing or able to pay for upgrades when flying. But guess what? Not true. My bf (at the moment) “Dave,” just owns an insurance company or something, and even he always springs for upgrades after I insist.

Actually, flying in coach wasn't as bad as I thought because while the plane was loading in Chicago, I went to the back and started chatting with one of the flight attendants, and he moved me up to first class.

The ride from Reno to Squaw Valley was really AMAZING, I have to say. I slept pretty much the whole way, which felt so good.

It turns out Steve rented a one-bedroom condo at the lodge. It’s not terrible. When he went to park the car, I put all of my stuff in the bedroom. It’s not that I really would have minded sleeping on the fold out, but the reality is that if one of us was going to need privacy, it most likely would be me, so it just seemed like the sensible arrangement.

One of the most interesting things about the whole yoga festival is that there are probably 3,000 people jammed in here and most of them are women, and it’s incredible that ALL of them apparently want to look like Stevie Nicks. Whatever. I'm not sure I ever got her.

As for the men, they’re either young with dirty beards and dreadlocks or older with "girlfriends" and very buff. Not with gym bodies, but with those naturally fit bodies I personally find creepy.

Anyway, Steve has been six hours of yoga a day because it’s so “relaxing.” What’s more relaxing is taking the cable car to the top of the mountain and sitting at the pool. Especially since the altitude increases the effects of alcohol. The really weird part was that when I was on top of the mountain and feeling connected to nature and whatever, I began to feel alone and started missing my friend Andy, because it would have been so much fun to be here with him so we could talk about everyone else.

But really, I don’t like to dwell on things, so I went to music festival part of the yoga thing, and it was pretty excellent. A lot of trance music. I met up with a couple of girls from Truckee last night and began to feel better. We totally bonded, especially after the Ecstasy.

Posted by Stephen @ 02:03 AM EST

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Sean Michael #12

So Steve was on TV again. Talking about his book. I mean, it's great and everything. but is there that much new to say? Here's the link:

http://www.wgbh.org/lifeliving/index.cfm?programid=11&featureid=17880&rssid=1

A lot of his friends wrote to say how great he was. I'm beginning to get the feeling that he's the kind of person a lot of people find... I don't mean "tragic" exactly, but more "sympathetic." When I told this to my friend Andy, he said: "It's the same thing, Sean." But really, it isn't. When people find you "tragic," they say mean things about you behind your back; when they find you "sympathetic," they say nice things about you to your face, whether they believe them or not. Big difference, Andy.

I think I'm the kind of person people say mean things about to my face, not because they believe them, but mostly because of jealousy. It's not great, but it's better than being tragic. I think being tragic is the worst thing you can be, aside from ugly. And please don't freak out, anyone. I'm not being unkind and talking about ugly in a physical sense like my sister Shelley. That is genetic and can't be helped. I mean ugly as in selfish and nasty and unkind.

My play closed this past weekend, and to be honest, it's probably just as well. I was getting pretty tired of it. It's the same thing, over and over, two nights every week. I've done that, now it's time to move on.

So tomorrow, I leave (with Steve) for Lake Tahoe and a "yoga and music festival" at Squaw Valley. Wanderlust. Whatever. It will be a change of scenery. My bf (at the moment) "Dave" came back from his "vacation" with his "wife and children " and got pissed off at me than now I was leaving. Too bad, right? He also didn't like the clothes I was bringing, which he said were "inappropriate" for doing yoga. Oh really? As if he would know? And more to the point, as if I even plan to DO yoga? They have swimming pools at the resort. But actually, I am really looking forward to it as a spiritual retreat, because after the play and all the attention I received, I think I need a little solitude to meditate and drink.

Posted by Stephen @ 09:49 PM EST

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Sean Michael #11

I would like to thank all the people who have written to me through Steve's website to congratulate me on the great review of Bare Necessities, the play I'm starring in. I really don't have time to answer everyone individually, so here are some responses to FAQ's.

1. Yes, the idea for my costume--the thong and the iPod--WAS my idea. The director wanted me to wear gym shorts and a T-shirt, which I thought was just TOO 80's. And it's not as if men didn't wear thongs in the 80's, too, which is when the play is set. As for the iPod, I really couldn't stand listening to the other actors, so they decided me staying alert was more important than strict historical accuracy.

2. Yes, the show is selling out. In fact, they've added an extra row of folding chairs, so it will be easier to get tickets. The director agreed to give me 10 tickets for each performance, which I'm selling to friends. If anyone wants one, write to me. I'm offering an AMAZING deal--only $12 above the regular price.

3. I am amazed that so many people have commented on my sexuality. It really is no one's business and, I consider myself a very discreet person. When I recently decided to tell people that I'm actually bisexual, certain-people-who-shall-remain-nameless rolled her eyes. Well, guess what? It's TRUE, mom. It's just that up to the point in my life, all my boyfriends happen to have been men.

Oh, one thing I forgot to mention is that Steve got a review in the Bay Area Reporter, which is a newspaper, I guess. http://www.ebar.com/arts/art_article.php?sec=books&article=556

Also, and this is REALLY exciting, he is going on a 4-day yoga retreat/festival at Lake Tahoe. He asked me if I wanted to go, even though I don't do "yoga" and even though it's very expensive. The thing is, I looked at the pictures on the website (wanderlustfestival.com) and there were pictures of lots of people who look older than me, so I figured it can't be that hard.

Plus there are musical acts at night. Lots of them have Indian-sounding names but when you look at the pictures, it turns out they're all blond. So whatever. Also nostalgia acts like Moby. Hopefully there won't be any drugs because of the "yoga." I really can't stand being around people on drugs when they're older than 35. Especially if they're dancing and sweaty.

As for the money, I explained to "Dave," my boyfriend (at the moment) that since he was going to Maine with his wife and kids for TWO WEEKS, it didn't seem unreasonable for me to think he might want to help me with some of the expenses for MY vacation by paying for everything.

So we're leaving on July 28th and I will be posting here about it.

Posted by Stephen @ 02:11 PM EST

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Sean Michael #10

First of all, Steve is on vacation, so I am more or less left without things to do except mention that Insignificant Others received a nice review in the Seattle Times. Apparently, this is a newspaper some people read.

Since he won’t have Internet access, I can say a little about myself here FOR ONCE without worrying about being “scolded.”

Bare Necessities, the play I’m in, opened on Saturday, and a review came out yesterday. It was so much better than I ever dared to hope, I almost can’t stand it. They said I had “the best role in the play” and did “some of the most expressive acting” on stage. A few of the other people in the show were disappointed, but frankly, I think they’re crazy. Basically, it was a huge, unbelievable RAVE, and as a result, the show has been extended, and my parents are driving up from Quincy to see it.

Here’s the full review, from The Somerville Tab, which is distributed in over SEVENTEEN Supermarkets. I’ve highlighted some of the best sections:

By Rhonda Pilldrew

“When the city has been broiling in 100-plus temperatures for more than a week, and the theater (Theatre Tragique, formerly an auto insurance office) has to turn off the air conditioner at the start of each performance, THE ACTOR WITH THE BEST ROLE IN THE PLAY is clearly the one whose costume consists of a thong and an iPod. “Bare Necessities, a new play by Tragg Millet, is the fourth and final production of the Theatre Tragique’s season. Their three previous plays were: The Long, Empty Afternoon; An Aching Listlessness; and the relatively light-hearted three-and-a-half-hour musical, At Death’s Door, all world premiers. According to the program, Bare Necessities is the first of a three-play cycle. God help us.

“Since Mr. Millet didn’t seem to spend much time on plot or dramatic tension, I won’t either. Four men of a certain age sit around a pool in Palm Springs discussing their lives and sexual escapades, and waxing nostalgic about various forms of substance abuse.

“It’s hard to know if Mr. Millet’s choice of names for his characters (Dan, Don, Des, and Dave) was a conscious nod to the fact that they’re indistinguishable or not. The actors (Bart Bobb, Reg Howard, Kirk Logger, and Malowney Trandler) drink throughout (luckily for them, real wine donated by Trader Joe’s) and at one point, Mr. Bobb took what appeared to be an unscripted bathroom break.

“Stage right is commanded by “the neighbor,” AN ATTRACTIVE YOUNG MAN who, for reasons that are unexplained, spends ninety minutes washing a window in a thong. Although Sean Michael Mahoney has no lines, HIS DERRIERE PROVIDES SOME OF THE MOST EXPRESSIVE ACTING IN THE PLAY. And his SCENE-STEALING mugging offers some respite from the tedious dialogue. In fact, MR. MAHONEY’S OUTRAGEOUS ANTICS PROVOKED SEVERAL OUTBURSTS OF HILARITY from an audience that otherwise seemed comatose.

“It won’t give away any surprises to say that the play ends with a couple of the characters-whose-names-begin-with-D engaging is what is obviously supposed to be an unprovoked sexual attack on “the neighbor.” But since Mr. Mahoney SEEMS TO BE ENJOYING HIMSELF AS MUCH HERE AS ELSEWHERE IN THE PLAY it’s hard to know who is attacking whom.

"The play RECEIVED THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE AND CHEERS that sounded, to this jaded audience member, largely ironic."

(Theatre Traigique is located at 64 Morganbrew Road---bring your GPS.)

Posted by Stephen @ 02:45 PM EST

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